Skye Prower

I'll eat the pie, but not gonna help with the bomb. Noodles?

You did.... what?  Yikes....

"I can see!  That's... really impressive," said Ziona.

"I suppose not... I... wasn't taught either," said Harmony. --------- "Think you can track her down?" smiled Luna.

"Thank you.  I... d-didn't mean to scare you," said Harmony. ----------- Luna laughed.

"S-sorry Mark," said Harmony looking away upset. ---------- "Yes you are!" said Luna rubbing Dominic's head.

"Strength is a move?  I thought it was... more... how strong you were..." said Ziona a little confused. --------- "You shouldn't!" said Harmony, putting a hand on each of Mark's shoulders and staring him in the eyes.  "You should never, ever kill anyone.  When you do it... it kills a part of yourself to..." ---------- "Who's the best little ninja ever?" asked Luna.

Seeing as I'm doing a bit of criticism around here I shouldn't miss you're out Teamrandom. This was a fun little story, somewhat reminiscent of the early comic adventures.  However, I'm afraid there are quite a few issues with it. First, it really needs a re-draft.  There are several errors with the grammar, punctuation etc, most noticeable about half the capital letters are small case.  Words are frequently wrong too, such as 'layer' instead of 'lair'.   The story also feels a little... rushed to read.  There is little description, what is written appears to be the minimum needed to make the story work.  Almost like each sentence is merely a bullet point.  It is bare bones, but there's nothing to flesh out the story to make it more complete.  This is something that as you write more you'll no doubt pick up. But the biggest criticism I have is that, except for Sonic who you were mostly spot on with, is that a lot of the Character's felt Out Of Character.  Eggman came across more like his Sonic X or Boom version as opposed to the Comic, Bark was speaking (at least, I assume it was meant to be Bark as his name was "Bart" in the story) and the way you had Fiona, a 16 year old, interact with Tails, who is.. 8 post-G-wave... is rather squeaky.  And on the subject of the G-wave, it is meant to be a near-apocalyptic event that only a few Freedom Fighter have even vague memories of.  In this story it is treated more like a mild inconvenience that pretty much everyone knows of. Still, I think with practice you will undoubtedly be able to do better.

"I hope you never have to go through what I had," said Harmony. --------- Luna picked Dominic up and spun him around a little. ----------- "How can you... 'learn' strength?" asked Ziona confused.

Given I commented on your other story, I guess I should do here too.  In some ways I guess this is the inverse of the other one.  This is a really well written story, and you capture the characters voices beautifully, especially Nicole (except for that one instance of Mina saying 'P*ssed' which I thought was a little jarring.   Having said that I'm afraid I didn't enjoy the story, but I wanna make clear this is not a criticism of it in any way.  It's just there are things about it that I personally disliked, but I know others may not mind or even like them.  Everyone is different in their tastes after all!"

"I know... but... it's hard," said Harmony. -------- Luna laughed a little doing the same. --------- "WHOA! What..... how?" stammered Ziona surprised. 

"He never blamed me..." said Harmony. ---------- "Same reason as you!" smiled Luna.

Afternoon! Seviper?

Ziona smiled and sat back enjoying the show.

"I... guess so," said Harmony, --------- "I happy to hear that Dommy," smiled Luna, starting to cry a little too,

"A big one," said Harmony. ---------- "Dommy?  What is it?" asked Luna.

"I....  I thought...  he'd betrayed me.." said Harmony slowly. -------------- "You make me so proud," said Luna.

"Try?" asked Harmony.  "I.... I..."  Harmony burst into tears.  "I tried to kill him!" -------------- Luna went to hug her son.

Well…. It’s been a darn long while, but here we are again!   Issue 20   Story 1: That’s The Sprit   Swat-bots are blind.  And very likely deaf.  Sonic and Sally are swinging above a group of Swat-bots in one of Robotnik’s factories, with Sally worried about being spotted.  But there’s a Swat-Bot looking right at them.  And… it seems to be doing a strange dance.  Also, given Sally and Sonic don’t seem to be whispering, how come none of the nearby Swat Bots can hear them?   As they swing Sally explains the mission the two are on.  Robotnik has developed an Antimatter device.  Okay, sounds bad, something you’d want to take out quickly because….. it… can make… robots invisible?  Er…. What? Antimatter isn’t known for playing with the light spectrum.  More for making things go BOOM!  Yeah, I know it’s sorta sci-fi technobabble, but antimatter is pretty darn consistent.  I think this is the first time I’ve seen antimatter in a non-explosive context.  Even antimatter reactors work on controlled explosions.   That’s a lot of criticism for the first page, let’s keep moving.  Sonic and Sally soon find the antimatter device, though with a suspicious lack of guards.  Sally thinks it could be a trap but as expected Sonic rushes ahead and soon regrets it as the door slams shut.  Robotnik appears to gloat, of course, and informs Sonic that he made the whole thing into a trap after he couldn’t get the antimatter device to work.  Well of course you couldn’t.  That’s like filling a balloon with petrol and being surprised it doesn’t fly.  Maybe that’s why the Swat-Bot’s were blind at the start, but I think that might be giving the story too much credit!   As the inept Swat-bots close in, Sonic decides to throw the bomb then spin-dash his way through the door.  Only he trips, must have been me with the controller again.  And of course bomb plus antimatter equal one very big explosion.   We then cut to Sally retuning to the others looking very worse for wear.  And despite being an hour late, and probably being able to hear such a big explosion, the other Freedom Fighters were just kicking back relaxing.  No attempt for a rescue or even keeping a watch eh guys?  After telling the others about Sonic being in the explosion she declares: “There’s no way he could have survived that.”   Now I’ll admit this is early in Sonic’s career, but even then she should have retained more hope after the other death-defying things Sonic has escaped from.  Especially considering there was no body. You should at least hope there’s an outside chance he survived.  Only Tails is genre-savvy enough to not think Sonic is dead.  And with Antoine making a comment about Sonic being a spirit we move on to a scene of the devastation.  Which, considering that was an anti-matter explosion, seems to have been a lot less destructive than I would expect.  Maybe the lab was reinforced cause it was, after all, dealing with anti-matter.  Okay, I’ll let you off with that one story.   We see Sonic speaking, but by the looks of things the colourist was running out of ink.  Or maybe something else is up as a solid metal door falls through him, understandably shocking Sonic.  And me, as shouldn’t he be fast enough on his feet do get out of the way?  And the shocks keep coming as Sonic realises the inking problem is due to him being invisible and intangible.  Now, I guess you’re expecting me to criticize the fact that Sonic is passing through objects, but not passing through the ground.  I would, but almost whenever intangibility is brought up… Star Trek, X-men (film), Captain Scarlet, Ghost (the film of that name), etc etc etc it’s a common fault, so I’m not gonna single Sonic out for it.  Still a flaw though.  I am however gonna say again that ANTI-MATTER JUST BLOWS *BLEEP* UP!   Sonic returns to Knothole to find that as well as his other issues, the other Freedom Fighters can’t hear him, a standard side effect of his symptoms, and that Rotor is a terrible artist, which isn’t surprising, and that Tails is a good artists, which is not the first time it’s brought up, but never seen on panel, and never seen again, unless you count his vehicle designs.   Depressed, well who wouldn’t be after learning all your friends aren’t even gonna check the wreckage just in case you survived, Sonic wanders off.   Only to hurt his foot kicking a rock and startles a frog with his voice.  I bet it was that Magic Frog, who probably thought “NOOO!  That crazy stalker hedgehog has tracked me down!  Flee!  Flee!”  Yet it does mean that two of Sonic’s three symptoms have worn off, leaving just invisibility.  And of course Sonic realises that it’s due to the anti-matter explosion and ANTI-MATTER DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY and wow I get really hung up on technobabble.   Rushing back to Knothole Sonic finds the others have gone, and a note from Tails explains they are off to avenge Sonic’s death.  Gotta say, I love the p.s. “If you are dead then pay no attention to this letter.”  Both Sonic and Robotnik, after the latter has celebrated Sonic’s death and seeing the other Freedom Fighters attack, believe that the Freedom Fighters’ are about to be wiped out.  Now normally I’d contradict that by saying that the Freedom Fighters are more than just Sonic’s cheerleaders, but… they way they stood around for hours and now are taking a page from Arnold Rimmer’s tactics “We will advance over the minefield under cover of daylight!” it seems they’re pretty much hopeless.   Robotnik sets out to attack personally in a jet, only Sonic has snuck aboard.  He uses his invisibility to trick Robotnik into thinking he’s a ghost, causing Robotnik to call off the attack, and give in to some other ridiculous requests.  The invisibly wears off and Sonic returns to the Freedom Fighters to explain everything, and is spotted by Snively who decides to (eventually) tell Robotnik to ensure the Status Quo is restored.   There is little to say about this story really.  It’s pretty by the numbers.  If you’ve seen one ‘character becomes insubstantial and everyone thinks they’re dead’ story this one hits pretty much the same notes, and being a short story in a comic it doesn’t have room to do anything else with the concept.  Despite this, its still and enjoyable enough tale, despite my criticisms and the incompetence of the other Freedom Fighters.   Story 2: Deadliest of the Species   Wow… that’s a BIG gun barrel.  I know they’re trying to imitate the James Bond, but it’s really NOT good gun safety to lean into the barrel like that.  And the James Bond imitation continues with the Goldfinger opening of the scuba suit with the duck decoy on the top, the fully dry outfit underneath, and the grappling hook over the wall, taking out a guard and setting changes.  The only differences being that this time the guard isn’t distracted by a grappling hook and is taken out by a defribulator, and the target is a power plant rather than “heroin flavoured bananas”. Sally isn’t the only one with plans on the Power Station and she soon bumps into the sneaky figure.  And so we are introduced to Geoffrey St John, who clearly needs to lose some weight, and thankfully will do as the series goes on.  But serious, for a leader of a rebel underground he is a little podgy.  But I’m getting ahead of myself.  The two start by pointing weapons at each other, only to be interrupted by the explosion.  THEN they do the proper introductions, but while doing so, a Swat Bot takes aim at Sally… Annnnnd… that’s as far as we go for now, a teaser for the upcoming Sally Mini-series, but an effective one, depending on how you feel about the Goldfinger rip-off. Just one thing confuses me though… what the heck is up with Sally’s nose?  Did she paint it silver or something?   Bonus Story: Everything Old is Newt Again   The copy of this issue on SCANF has a bonus story.  A short tale about the return of Universalamander that wasn’t in the comics originally.  It is still not part of the cannon, for starters it has completely contradictory origins for Nicole, but still, let’s take a look at it.   Robotnik is holding a triumph over Sonic’s defeat.  Only it’s a pretend one, to further emphasise Robotnik’s early patheticness.  In fact, he’s reduced to asking his robots for ideas.  Oh how the mighty have fallen, even for these early issues.  No wonder the story was lost!  Still, one speaks up, and given I’ve already namechecked him yep, it’s Universalamander, still tiny.  Why don’t you just tell Robotnik where Knothole is, don’t you remember from last time?  Guess he’s keeping that to himself, but Robotnik has a plan of his own.   Jump cut to the Freedom Fighter’s playing a tag game against Sonic, with predicable results. Only for the now restored Universalamander to show up and quickly boot Sonic way off into the distance.  Bunnie counterattacks, but isn’t able to do much but irritate the giant robot.   Sonic meanwhile has ended up lost in a desert, face first in an ant hill.  Thankfully it’s a friendly ant.  Well, as friendly as you can be to a giant slamming into and damaging your house.  I wonder if he’s one of the fire ants we’ll meet later…  But anyway the ant gives Sonic a way to find his way home by running in spirals till he finds a landmark.   Meanwhile Rotor is trying to use the same tactic as last time, using the Reduce/Enlarge robotizier to shrink Universalamander.  Only instead it makes the Robot even larger. Then we see Robotnik giving an explanation for the reverser system which caused that effect.  The now massive robot makes quick work of the Freedom Fighters, but just before dealing the deathblow Sonic returns, of course, to save the day!  Well, the Freedom Fighters.  There’s still the matter of the gigantic robot.    Rotor had a plan to use the Reduce/Enlarger on the Enlarger setting in the hope it would be reversed and shirk Universalamander, but the device is broken.  Now, credit where it is due.  Given the quality of writing in the early comics I would have expected Sonic to come up with that idea rather than Rotor, i.e. the dedicated smart person, so a bonus point there.  Sally and Robot go to build a new one, Sally saying that she just got Nicole in the post…. From an ordering system… Who would be shipping super-handheld-computers around?   Meanwhile the rest of the Freedom Fighters are holding off Universalamander.  Well, Sonic, Bunnie and, to Bunnie’s surprise, Tails are.  Antoine is just watching.  Rotor pops up from the secret Knothole entrance to sap Universalamander with the new enlarger, and it does indeed shrink the robot.  Only it doesn’t stop, and Universalamander shrinks to microscopic size and disappears.   Nicole then makes a comment on how future events will become more ‘complex’.  I can’t help but wonder if that is a new line added to the story!  But once again Robotnik ends up with egg on his face.   I… uh..  I didn’t realise what I’d written just there till I wrote it!   Overall   Issue 20 is fairly unremarkable overall.  The stories are fine, just nothing special.  And the Sally focused ‘serious’ story is mild set up.  It terms of continuity it is worth a read, and certainly isn’t one to avoid, but it won’t be astounding you!

Ziona couldn't help herself and laughed. ---------- "He's.... my brother... and... he is really nice... especially... after what I tried to do..." said Harmony. --------- "Yes," nodded Luna.  "You learn so fast."

"No I didn't," smiled Harmony.  "Though it would be fun.  Skye.... made me a new one." ---------- "I can see.  It took me weeks to learn this!" said Luna.

"Yes," nodded Harmony smiling.  "I've... this body is only a few days old." ---------- Luna was still able to see the shimmers, but it was getting harder to do so.

"Yes I am.  I have this brand new body now," smiled Harmony. ---------- Luna saw a shimmer in the air and managed to block the kick, but only just.  "That was good." ---------- "Maybe?" laughed Ziona.

For a first draft, this is very impressive.  Few writers can pull off first-drafts being ready to be seen. And yes, I did enjoy the concept.  I'm afraid I'm not great at praise (I always make it sound so hollow) but aside from those two points I very much enjoy reading your story, and would like to see more of Fiona working for GUN and her relationship with Felix.

Harmony smiled and nodded. ---------- "Ready when you are," said Luna